I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Randomize
