ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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