By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I think I won the penis lottery.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
