Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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