I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
