apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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