so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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