I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize