So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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