i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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