she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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