Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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