I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
