did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
