I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i think my tv is drunk
Your mouth is God's brothel.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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