I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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