just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
