My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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