That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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