my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Randomize
