I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
