I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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