the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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