My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
