i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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