I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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