is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize