they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Randomize