Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm having to shit out rocks
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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