I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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