This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
