Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
