I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
