Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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