How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
