It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize