i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
