I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
