Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
