I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
he wants to bone in the snuggie
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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