I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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