it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
