Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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