need another drink. this is the easiest way
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
