i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
