If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
