What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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