I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize