plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize