News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
