if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
