New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
