he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i was born a porn star she said
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
