i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
