Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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