I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
