Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
