I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
