I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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