Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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