I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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