My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
