I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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