thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
The uberlube is also flammable
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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