Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You don't make any sense
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